Rape, Assault, Public Figures, and Mental Gymnastics

Here's a slew of public figures getting accused of sexual assault and sexual misconduct, some of which happened YEARS ago. Why is this all coming to light at the same time? Here are perspectives that have been shared with me. Is it trendy all of a sudden to accuse someone of sexual assault? Is everyone jumping on the bandwagon to profit from this? I can see why that would be the immediate reaction from many people.

Harvey Weinstein triggered this flood. Because when these women saw Harvey Weinstein actually suffer repercussions for his actions, they were like omg. We are finally living in an age where even men with this level of power and fame in Hollywood can get punished for assaulting women!

"Why the hell did they wait so long to speak?"

I can't directly answer this question without telling a story with it, to illustrate.

My second year of college, I was raped by a good friend-we'll call him J. I'd known J since high school. He never suffered repercussions for it- legally or whatnot. And since he was a friend, someone who I'd liked and admired, my brain did not know how to process the event. It wasn't until years later, when I described what happened to a friend and they told me 'uh yeah, you got raped. That's rape.', that I could even bring myself to call it 'rape'. 

Yup, I couldn't even use the word. Instead I said things like, "I was taken advantage of".
I had all kinds of mental gymnastics.  

"Isn't rape done by a stranger and not a friend? J wasn't violent. He didn't beat me, or rough me up even. I was blackout drunk, so maybe he thought it was okay because I wasn't struggling."

It was New Year's Eve, and a small group of friends were gathered in J's apartment. I drank too much and passed out on the couch. It got really late, and one by one all my friends left, including the one who had given me a ride there. Then when I was the only one left, J went to the couch and picked me up. I was mostly gone, sedated from the alcohol, my body limp, the room spinning. But through the murkiness of my drunken stupor I felt his arms lifting me up and carrying me, and moments later I was on his bed, where he proceeded to take off my clothes, put his mouth on different places of my body, and put his penis in my mouth, all the while whispering to me that I was dreaming. I can still hear his voice in my head. 

And afterwards, J gave me a ride home and told me not to tell anyone. And I just kept replaying all that in my head the next day, wondering how I was supposed to feel about this. What my good friend had done was not in line with how I felt about him.

I didn't tell any authority figures, and I didn't press charges. I told a few close friends, some of them who didn't seem to believe me completely and others who expressed a lot of sympathy but continued to be his friend. And I was confused and angry for a long time.

I began to question myself, feeling like I was a piece of shit and somehow responsible for what happened. He was a good person, right? And respected and liked by our social circle, most of whom I fell out of contact with and never see or talk to anymore. I didn't entirely blame myself, but I convinced myself I had at least done something wrong to land myself in that situation so I didn't feel it was worth even going public with. 

So there's the answer. Why did these women keep silent about this for so long?

Being sexually violated by someone who you trust and admire fucks with your head big time.
Being sexually violated by someone who is trusted and admired by everyone is fucking paralyzing.

It's been more than 10 years. I feel like at this point, I'm emotionally detached from the experience enough to think about it without feeling much of anything. So why am I writing about it now? Because I feel like for the first time, I can also see it clearly in context of what's happening right now, with all these women coming forward.

Obviously, not everyone experiences things the way I do, or processes them the way I do. And there is a whole lot of grey area between sexually assaulting someone or raping someone, and just being creepy. But I imagine many of these women may have been in a similar place that I was in, feeling fucked up and having so many self-doubts for so many years, that they used those same mental gymnastics and coping tactics to keep it inside and just move on with life. And the more time that passes, the less you feel like you can really do about it. And after enough time has passed, you don't really want anything except for someone to hear the truth and acknowledge that it happened.

After all this time, I think I've finally forgiven J, though I doubt I'll ever talk to him again. But if J ever became famous, and a public figure, and I had to hear about him at parties and see his face every time I opened Reddit or Netflix, god fucking knows I would come public about that shit.

This isn't a graceful conclusion to this post, and I don't even care that it isn't that well written. These are just my thoughts as I was able to get them out, and I can only hope that it can help someone out there who may be asking these same questions.

The Black Canyon

Image Credit: QT Luong

I

According to cognitive neuroscience, our brains are not the most trustworthy when it comes to remembering experiences as they truly were. Every time we try to recall a scene in our heads, we change and reshape it forever based on our more current perspectives. That means the more time that's passed since the actual event, the less likely it is that your memory is going to match reality. Memory is such a fleeting and fragile thing.

That's why it's barely been over a week, but my trip to the mysterious Black Canyon of the Gunnison is already starting to seem like a murky dream. So I'd better just write about it already.

In sparsely-populated Western Colorado, there's a national park that's one of the least-known and least-visited in the country. An average of 190,000 people visit the Black Canyon each year, versus the nearly 6 million tourists that visit the Grand Canyon. That's one of the things I loved about the place- at times, it almost felt like Cat and I had it all to ourselves.  In fact, I almost don't even want to tell other people about the existence of the Black Canyon, because the isolation I felt was one of the most beautiful things about the experience.

***

In the early hours of the morning on July 4th, before anyone else was awake, Cat and I ventured to one of the many overlooks of the canyon's south rim and stood at the very edge of a gaping chasm, with huge, vertical walls of granite plunging straight down, thousands of dizzying feet, far past where the light could reach. I gripped the railing with both hands, fought off vertigo, and just stared down into the darkness listening to the distant echoes of a river that I couldn't see. It was one of the most awe-inspiring and terrifying moments I think I've had.

We visited all the different outlooks and hiked around the canyon rim, but all in all, we must have spent a total of an hour or so just wordlessly staring into the canyon.

II

Gazing into the canyon's depths, I tried to imagine what early explorers must have thought when they stumbled across a place like this. The Black Canyon has a rich history, which consists of countless people getting killed by the hazards of the canyon and generally being terrified by the place. The early Ute Indians tended to avoid the Black Canyon out of superstition. They had trails going into the bottom of the gorge but they feared the river, referring to it as "much rocks, big water."

American explorers and civil engineers in the 1800s clearly didn't take that hint. They stubbornly built a 15 mile route through the Black Canyon, after years of dangerous surveying, several people disappearing and deserting, and saying it was impossible to do.

There are reports of countless hazards and casualties for the mostly-immigrant laborers blasting out a roadbed and laying down tracks. When it was finally built, it was the most dangerous route in the country- avalanches, rock falls, and trains getting swept into the icy Gunnison River were a constant risk for railroad engineers and passengers.

Rudyard Kipling was one of these passengers in 1889 and wrote: 

"We entered a gorge, remote from the sun, where the rocks were two thousand feet sheer, and where a rock splintered river roared and howled ten feet below a track which seemed to have been built on the simple principle of dropping miscellaneous dirt into the river and pinning a few rails a-top. There was a glory and a wonder and a mystery about the mad ride, which I felt keenly…until I had to offer prayers for the safety of the train."

Fortunately, although the cost of human lives didn't seem to be much of a factor, a lack of profits caused the Black Canyon railroad to be discontinued and eventually torn up in 1949. This portion of the canyon is now preserved by the National Park Service, freeing up adventurous folk to voluntarily risk death in other ways trying to venture in there with mere climbing and/or camping gear. 

III

So the collective memory of this place very closely matched my own - terrifying, and yet mysterious in a way that seemed to draw me in. Cat and I hiked the Warner Point Trail on the canyon's south rim, a rocky uphill affair filled with wildflowers, ancient juniper and pinyon pines. And we discovered that Warner Point Trail ends in one of the few designated routes into the canyon, aptly named the Warner Route. But we, along with any other average hikers who might have wondered about continuing on the route, were stopped by a sign posted in front of it to keep us out. Only hikers with wilderness permits were allowed to go any further. All others should turn back on the trail to go back the way we came.

Still, we stood in front of that sign for a long moment, and I was inexplicably drawn to venture a few steps beyond it to peer down at a steep, treacherous-looking path descending into the inner canyon- getting narrower as it went, with very few handholds, until we couldn't see where it went without actually starting down the path.

Part of me wanted very badly to ignore the sign and continue walking, but logic ultimately won out, along with the desire not to get lost inside the Black Canyon without a permit, proper supplies, water, or a way to get rescued. For the first big roadtrip vacation that my friend had trusted me enough to accompany me on, it wouldn't have been the best of experiences.

For the time being, we stuck to taking absurd risks like climbing onto a ledge of the canyon rim, or doing a yoga pose at the edge of a crevasse, to take some cool photos. The National Park Service, in the interest of maintaining the natural beauty of the canyon, did not install railings on virtually 99% of the entire thing, thus making stupid decisions quite easy on our part.

In a similar vein of "We've given you ample warning, so it's your own damn fault if you die while doing this", all the descriptions of the inner canyon on NPS.gov seemed to advise against going in altogether:

There are no maintained or marked trails into the inner canyon. Routes are difficult to follow, and only individuals in excellent physical condition should attempt these hikes. Hikers are expected to find their own way and to be prepared for self-rescue. While descending, study the route behind, as this will make it easier on the way up when confronted with a choice of routes and drainages. Not all ravines go all the way to the river, and becoming "cliffed out" is a real possibility.

Despite these warnings, I learned later that wilderness permits were free, and surprisingly easy to get- talk to a park ranger to get one. All I could think of after that was "We're going back next year, getting permits, and going in." We talked about it. We discussed what it might take to make it happen. And finally, we decided to make plans. Next year, with a crew of at least 4 people, at peak physical fitness and with supplies to last us at least 2 days.

It's hard to explain why, but gazing into the mystery of the Black Canyon just seems to tempt certain people to wander in to see more. To see what those early explorers saw, and what the many species of birds flying freely in and out of the canyon take for granted every day. That's one of the things I couldn't possibly appreciate about this place until I actually saw it for myself- the Black Canyon of the Gunnison is deep, craggy, dangerous- and filled with life. Towering fir and aspen trees were growing stubbornly along impossibly steep walls dropping thousands of feet down, like a vertical forest, which all seemed to be nourished by the deadly, fast-moving Gunnison River rushing through the ravine floor. Even knowing I was at the height of a 2,000+ foot drop into all of this, staring down, it felt less like the call of the void, but more like the call of the wild.

Image Credit: QT Luong

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go.” — T.S Eliot

The psychology behind caring for the planet

Throughout history, humans have impacted our natural environment. And in turn, our environment has impacted us. Every year, millions of Americans will go outdoors to visit national parks, nature preserves, and botanical gardens. Studies have shown that our surroundings have a big impact on our mental and emotional well-being- and nature, in particular, has a restorative effect that is now backed by research.

• ·        The experience of nature helps to restore the mind from the mental fatigue of work or studies, contributing to improved work performance and satisfaction.[1]
• ·        In several experiments, the presence of plants and nature views in the workplace improved employee morale, decreased absenteeism, and increased worker efficiency [2,3,4]
• ·        Depression occurs at any age and can be helped through improved social connections (to decrease the feeling of isolation) and exercise, both of which are promoted by having nearby green outdoor spaces. In one study, 71% of people found a reduction in depression after going on an outdoor walk versus a 45% reduction by those who went on an indoor walk.[5]

You want some of this all-natural antidepressant with no bad side effects.

On the flip side, environmental degradation has negative consequences for our psyche - not to mention our quality of life as a whole. One needs only to look to the smog-related health crisis in China, or the oil spills that occur in waterways every year, to know the detrimental effects of pollution. Though, these are only a few prominent examples of the impact of modern-day civilization’s food and energy needs on the planet.

On a larger scale, a paper published by the American Psychological Association describes how global climate change is likely to have significant negative effects on mental health and well-being, effects that will be felt most by vulnerable populations and those with preexisting serious mental illness. [6]

Feeling stressed from reading that? Psychologists have something to say about this, too - the same APA paper examines the range of emotions associated merely with confronting facts about climate change and environmental degradation. Needless to say, the effect is not a positive one.

As much as modern day humans try to separate ourselves from nature, we are still very much a part of the complex and fragile ecosystem in which we evolved. So what can we do to care for our own well-being while doing right by the planet?

• Learn more about important issues affecting the environment for our future generations (climate change, biodiversity, ocean health, etc.), then take steps towards educating others. And if learning about the issues gets you fired up, turn the energy into positive action.
• Get involved, whether it’s by joining a local group for habitat restoration, or a nonprofit organization to push for sustainable energy policies. Support national parks by finding and visiting one near you - which is also a great stress relieving activity.

Nature has a transcendental effect, a healing effect on us. We should work to preserve it for many reasons, not least of all the health of our current and future generations.

“Keep close to Nature's heart... and break clear away, once in awhile, and climb a mountain or spend a week in the woods. Wash your spirit clean.” – John Muir

1.  Shibata, S., and N. Suzuki. 2002. Effects of the Foliage Plant on Task Performance and Mood. Journal of Environmental Psychology 22, 3: 265-272.
2.  Lohr, V.I., C.H. Pearson-Mims, and G.K. Goodwin. 1996. Interior Plants May Improve Worker Productivity and Reduce Stress in a Windowless Environment. Journal of Environmental Horticulture 14, 97-100.
3. Fjeld, T., B. Veiersted, L. Sandvik, G. Riise, and F. Levy. 1998. The Effect of Indoor Foliage Plants on Health and Discomfort Symptoms Among Office Workers. Indoor and Built Environment 7, 4: 204.
4.  Kaplan, R. 1993. The Role of Nature in the Context of the Workplace. Landscape and Urban Planning 26, 1-4: 193-201.
5. Anon. 2007. Ecotherapy: The Green Agenda for Mental Health. Mind: For better mental health, London, pp., 36 pp.
6. https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/amp-66-4-265.pdf

Additional Reading

http://www.apa.org/monitor/apr01/greengood.aspx

http://www.human.cornell.edu/outreach/upload/CHE_DEA_NaturalEnvironments.pdf

http://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2016/01/call-to-wild/

http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2008.02225.x

When a part of you is broken that others can’t see or understand

When you suffer an injury so severe that it changes your life forever, it’s never something you expect or are prepared to deal with. If that injury results in a life-long disability, it affects not only you, but your friends, loved ones, and everyone around you who would be your support network. What if that disability is invisible to everyone except for you?

The disability I'm referring to, in this case, is traumatic brain injury (TBI). TBI occurs when an external force injures the brain - like in a motor vehicle accident, sports accident, physical assault/battery, or a serious fall. TBI can result in physical, cognitive, social, emotional, and behavioral symptoms, and outcomes can range from complete recovery to permanent disability or death. There is still continuing research on the full and lasting effects of different head traumas. Concussions are now considered to be “mild traumatic brain injuries,” with research pointing to serious long-term consequences for repeated concussions, such as chronic traumatic encephalopathy. 

Writer and music critic Tim Page, in his “Letter from the Other Side,” has published a beautifully written firsthand account that describes his own recovery from a traumatic brain injury, and the struggles he endured while he and everyone close to him adjusted to his new life post-injury. Often in severe cases of TBI, there is a permanent change in mood, energy levels, and ability to concentrate, due to permanent damage of the brain. Unlike physical disabilities such as limb loss or blindness, the damage with TBI is internal, and TBI is often called “the invisible disability”. If you haven’t experienced a brain injury, you can only truly learn about it by understanding it through the eyes of someone who suffers from it.

“Only as I grew stronger did I realize how badly damaged I’d been.  In the morning, it took me an hour or more to understand that I was actually expected to get up, and then at least another hour to dress myself.   I could no longer sit in crowded restaurants, follow a multi-party conversation, or stay up even a few minutes longer than body and brain willingly permitted.   I reached for words that were not quite there, and some of them never arrived. The cliché about memory and Swiss cheese applied. I could give ad hoc lectures on my pet subjects and write down most of the phone numbers I had dialed more than twice, but I had forgotten the life stories of friends, the names of their children, the funerals of their parents.   When it could be accessed, my brain functioned like a capacious hard drive, but my “software” was tangled beyond belief.”
– Tim Page

With someone in the U.S. suffering from a brain injury every 13 seconds, chances are that you or someone you know has been affected with some degree of TBI. In observation of TBI Awareness Month, here are some things to keep in mind-and small ways to support a friend or loved one who has TBI.

·   The physical and emotional toll that TBI takes is hard for outsiders to understand, since it’s often not visible from the outside looking in. TBI affects memory, sleep, and often causes extreme fatigue, anxiety, and chronic pain.

♥  Understand they’re struggling with a brain that no longer works the same, and know that many people who suffer from TBI experience daily fatigue and exhaustion doing simple tasks that most of us take for granted.

·   The lack of understanding and support from people who assume that once the scar goes away, you’re fully healed. Our society often says that if you look fine, you must feel fine. However, TBI is an invisible disability that many don’t understand.

♥  Exercise empathy by trying not to judge someone with TBI for being aloof. Don’t take declined invitations personally. Don’t say, “You look fine” or anything that assumes you know their inner condition.

·   All of the above problems resulting from TBI can often lead to isolation from social circles andsupport groups because it’s just too exhausting to go out, or even just to have a simple conversation anymore, and some friendships/relationships aren’t forgiving of that distance.

♥  Extend friendship, support and compassion to someone struggling with TBI in a way that doesn’t demand too much of their energy. Facebook is a forgiving medium for someone who is recovering from a brain injury to share updates with one’s entire social circle without getting too emotionally exhausted.

For sufferers of any major disability or chronic injury, the support given from friends, family and loved ones is the essential element in helping them through the challenges ahead. This is especially true when the disability is hidden 'below the surface', the biggest impacts seen only by those close enough to notice.

What happens to your brain when you choose gratitude?

Take a moment to reflect, and complete the following sentence: “I am grateful for ______”.

Did you have to think very long to find something to fill in the blank, or did the answer come to you immediately? Whatever the subject, was that the first time you’ve thought about feeling grateful for it today? If so, don’t feel too guilty—it may be the result of how the human brain evolved with something called negativity bias.

Our Brain’s Natural Bias

In short, our brains are prehistorically hardwired for survival by perceiving and reacting to dangers and risks. According to psychologist Rick Hanson, author of ‘Hardwiring Happiness’, negative experiences are immediately stored in memory, but a positive experience usually needs to be held in awareness for 12 seconds or more to be stored in long-term memory. Remembering and focusing more on negative experiences may have kept our ancestors alive, but today it makes us feel needlessly worried, tired, inadequate, irritated, and stressed.

So what’s a modern-day human being to do?

Luckily, researchers have found ways to counterbalance our brains’ negativity bias through simple habits, like keeping a gratitude journal. Yes, really. Feeling skeptical? The study of gratitude and happiness has been gaining popularity in psychological and social science. There is an increasing amount of research from academic powerhouses like Yale, ^[1] Berkeley, and the University of Pennsylvania ^[2] on the nature of gratitude, its causes, and its potential effects.

It turns out that focusing on the positive things in our life has scientifically proven benefits. According to multiple studies, increasing conscious awareness of what we’re thankful for improves mental health, enhances empathy, self-esteem, resilience, and general well-being. ^[3] This is why world-renowned life coach Tony Robbins has gratitude as a key part of his morning ritual: He spends a few minutes every morning focusing on things in his life that he feels grateful for. Robbins says, “The antidote to fear is gratitude. The antidote to anger is gratitude. You can't feel fear or anger while feeling gratitude at the same time.”

Go back to the subject of your gratitude for a moment, the thing you filled in the blank with. Hold it in your mind for at least 12 seconds. Did your mood change when you changed your focus? 

Choosing Gratitude: The Journaling Exercise

A simple way to make gratitude a part of your daily life is to start keeping a gratitude journal. Each morning, take a minute to write down at least three things you feel grateful for. So you’re not writing down the same things every time (my job, my kids, my house), try to pick things other than the same people and possessions. You can feel thankful for something small but pleasant (the cool breeze on my face this morning), the qualities of someone you might admire (my dad who always calls each week to catch up), or even a physical state (the energy I have to run up the stairs today). Some healthy habits are hard to maintain, but this one is easy, and better yet, free. Start practicing this exercise regularly and remembering gratitude, and gradually changes will start to take place in your life. You may find new, great things coming into your life because this shift in focus leaves you open to receiving positive experiences and love.

Give it a try and see if it works for you.

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. --John F. Kennedy

^[1] Emmons RA, et al. "Counting Blessings Versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-Being in Daily Life," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Feb. 2003): Vol. 84, No. 2, pp. 377–89. Available online at http://ei.yale.edu/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/jclp22020.pdf

^[2] Seligman MEP, et al. "Empirical Validation of Interventions," American Psychologist (July–Aug. 2005): Vol. 60, No. 1, pp. 410–21.

 ^[3] The Importance of Gratitude, http://www.umassd.edu/counseling/forparents/reccomendedreadings/theimportanceofgratitude/

https://projectthankfulheart.com/research/